I'm Your Huckleberry

I AM A TIGER!

2012-02-12T16:37:00.001-08:00

Pride

2012-02-07T18:40:00.000-08:00

I'm so proud.
My babies are doing very well... Such good babies. We had a very tough time with breastfeeding together and now we almost have it down perfectly. We struggled with the boys gaining back the weight they lost in the hospital and now we're almost there. I had troubles finding time and patience to rest and eat properly but now I'm committed to taking care of myself so I can take care William and Mason. And I'm proud of the man I've made this life with- for staying patient and loving as I am learning to be a Mommy.
And I really love being a Mommy.

Love,
Jessica

Happy THREE week birthday, boys!

The Truth

2012-02-02T18:06:00.000-08:00

You want the truth?
I'm a wreck a lot of the time. I'm really trying but if I don't relax soon, I think I'm going to explode. Literally.
Before delivery, Aaron and I talked about postpartum blues. I thought the possibility of me feeling anything but happy was ridiculous. Pregnancy was a blast and the we both have never been more excited about anything than we were for the boys to come.
But I'm so in love that I'm having difficulty containing it. I feared going to sleep and would stay up all night shining the light on the boys to make sure they were okay and absolutely panicking over every sound I heard from them, trying to determine what it meant. The days were filled with tears as I worried over doing the right things for our kids. Not to mention I missed holding the boys inside me so much that it actually physically hurt. I missed the security of knowing they were safe- I missed Aaron's hands on my tummy... Aaron and I now have the most precious, most irreplaceable gifts possible so the fears and worries are overwhelming. Also, my love for my family has made me analyze my life closer. I find myself in a fit of tears thinking over mean things I may have said to Aaron over the years and feeling guilt like no other when I realize how AMAZING he is and how happy I am that we are doing this together. He's so reassuring and supportive and has wonderful fatherly instincts. I've also been thinking about my mother and how good she is to me. I was on bed rest for three weeks and she came over everyday to feed me and do my chores and I don't think I showed how grateful I am for her.
I love these boys. I don't want to be a nervous Mommy. I don't want to be an emotional basket case. I just want them to be happy and healthy and relaxed and it's so scary to know that this depends on me. And I can't bear the thought of them suffering in any way. This week, Aaron returned to work for two days a week- back to full time in nine days. Yesterday was my first day alone with the babies. I am comfortable and confident and scared and clueless at the same time. I think I feel every emotion twice as much thanks to my double blessing.
I feel a little better each day. I'm really tying to just trust myself and show these boys how much I love them.

Love,
Jessica

P.S. It's been 16 days and I have finally slowed down enough to understand I just had surgery. Ouch...

They're heeeeeere!!!

2012-02-01T15:33:00.000-08:00

Aaron and I are THRILLED to introduce our sons!

William Justin Maderia and Mason James Maderia joined us on Tuesday January 17, 2012 at 12:13pm. Aaron and I came home with them on the 21st and have been filling our days and nights with kisses and cuddles.

The boys adore their Daddy and I fall more in love with him everyday. We came to the hospital on the 17th to discuss natural child birth vs c-section. I had carried them to 37 weeks and couldn't safely hold them much longer. Chosing to react off instinct, Aaron and I opted for the c-section. Thank God we did because upon delivery it was determined that the boys would not have tolerated labor. It all happened so fast- one moment I was receiving my Spinal and within a few short minutes, my boys were delivered. The fetal monitor showed that William's heart rate dropped way too low due to the cord wrapped tightly around his neck and they had to get him out very very quickly. So quickly in fact that Aaron was not yet in the OR when William was delivered. Then Mason must have been put into distress because he was delivered seconds later. Meanwhile, I was behind a tarp and had no idea what's going on- there really wasn't a lot of time to process it. It breaks my heart to know Aaron had to enter a room alone and see his sons receiving CPR while I lay a bloody open mess on a table. He remained calm and took care of his family and we're all fine now. =)

It was a bit of a scary start but these boys have already proven how strong they are. It didn't take long at all and they got to join us in the recovery room for skin to skin cuddling. To be safe, Aaron and the boys spent a few hours in the NICUjust until we were sure they were breathing okay on their own, but then they came to my room and Aaron and I realized we are officially parents! Aaron is amazing with them. It's so beautiful to see the natural love and care he gives. I really don't know what I'd do without him.

These brothers are very comforted by each other. I'm so happy they have each other. (Mason in the blue, William in the white).

Here are the babies at home- one week old. (William with Daddy, Mason with Mommy)

Sweet Mason with Papa...

And sweet William with Momma...

Such a brief description of such a huge thing... :(

Just so busy! :)

My belly ITCHES!!!

2012-01-12T19:27:00.000-08:00

I am desperately trying not to claw my belly off. I have been oiling up since the moment we discovered we were expecting and I've been so surprised that my skin has been able to stretch this much without stretch marks. Well, up until now. I have three red marks on each of my hips- my war wounds I'm trying to wear proudly. Only five days away now but if I stretch anymore in the slightest, I suspect much more.

I woke up as I do every morning to Aaron talking to the boys and rubbing my belly. They get very excited every time they hear his voice and then proceed to kick me all day long. I begged for a few more minutes of sleep but Aaron refused to get up until he felt both boys respond to him.

Then later today, I threw caution to the wind and my sister treated me to a mani/pedi. I really needed a moment out of the house and this was the PERFECT trip. It felt amazing. I slipped back in my massage chair and closed my eyes as my lady rubbed my arms and shoulders only to be snapped back to reality when I heard giggles and felt the three small hands of the other employees on my belly. It was so funny. My little sweeties seduced them over to me by kicking ripples in my tummy that can be seen across the room.

I feel slightly more energized today and very excited to meet my babies. (Also, very very nervous, but mostly excited). My little kickers are ready to go. I asked Aaron how he feels and he said, "GREAT!" We are both apprehensive about delivery and as we get so close though...

This is our last Thursday night at home without babies!!!

Love,
Jessica

One week away!

2012-01-10T22:19:00.000-08:00

I thought they'd come early. I really did. I'm going to try to just enjoy this last week because I know I'll miss carrying Aaron's babies this way. And although I'm sooooo tired, I'm even more thankful for the love and excitement surrounding me.

Love,
Jessica

35 weeks and 6 days

2012-01-06T19:14:00.000-08:00

Above is Addi guarding the boys' room. She opens the door a few times a day just to check it out- she's ready for the boys too!
Below is an image of the two vertex heads of our sons getting ready to be born!

With these babies no more than 10 days away from entering this world, I needed to write something very important to me. I've always wanted a baby and a husband to love and love me back. In fact, a family is the only thing I've ever felt I actually needed to be fulfilled in life. I don't think I'll ever be able to explain how honored I am by being blessed with TWO children. I'M GOING TO BE A MOMMY!!!

Also, I've always been completely fascinated with the beautiful bellies of pregnant women. My sons gave me a confidence in my body I have never experienced. I LOVED watching my belly grow and I admit that gaining these 50 pounds has at times really freaked me out, but I have felt truly beautiful. And deeper than my new figure, I am exhilarated with how AMAZING it is that my body has grown two lives. The words I've just typed so do not do my feelings justice, but I'm practically speechless when it comes to expressing my gratitude to my babies. I feel like the past couple weeks I have really complained a lot about the pain and my size and my boredom over being put on bed rest at 34 weeks and I feel guilty for it because the truth is, it's sooooo worth it.

Today I had possibly my last ultrasound before delivery. It's just wonderful how well these boys are doing. They scored perfectly on the well being tests and have grown so strong. And they're big. I'm talking huge. We were warned repeatedly that they would most likely be small babies (the average weight being uner 5 pounds for twins) but they have proven us all wrong. Today's test suggests that Baby A is 6 pounds 7 ounces and Baby B is 7 pounds. Their heads measure 39- 40 weeks for a singleton. My sweet boys are so strong and healthy. (Aaron took me to get teriyaki a couple weeks ago and the lady who took our order interrupted him to chastise him- it was so funny. "Shame on you, you're so big, she's so small. Look what you've done to her. Shame on you!")

Anyway, I'm as big as a hippo and I'm vainly petrified of what my body will look like after I give birth in ten days, but my big belly is housing two big babies and I'm so happy. :)

Love,

Jessica

35 weeks

2012-01-03T17:53:00.000-08:00

We've made it! We were originally hoping for a minimum of 34 weeks and it looks like these babies are perfectly content to stay inside Mommy a little while longer. We spent Christmas Eve at the hospital trying to stop contractions and then we were later sent home with no babies but orders for bed rest. I have spent the last ten days on the couch doing everything I can to relax and give my sons more time to grow and develop. So far so good! The bed rest is almost killing me and I am literally the size of a hippo, but I'm so happy that the boys are doing so well.

We are ready to hold our babies and meet the strong souls who kick me like crazy all day and night and I can't believe my time to hold them is almost over. In fact, two more weeks at the very most! We are scheduled to go in Tues the 17th if the boys don't decide to make an appearance sooner. Aaron is so excited to meet his sons but I also think he might be ready to have me no longer be pregnant. I've been very happy or this whole pregnancy but I think my smiles are being replaced with mood swings and icy glares in his direction.

That's all I'm admitting to.

:) Love,

Jessica

Two Sweet

2011-11-29T16:29:00.000-08:00

Looking back, I wish I had done a better job of sitting with each guest at my shower- just to talk and pose for a picture. Everyone who came is special to me in a different way and I felt very loved and supported. My shower represented a day of celebration for the gift I have been waiting for my whole life and it was a very happy and exciting day for me. Thank you so much to my four best girlfriends- for your love and constant friendship. Special thanks to Nicole and Lindsey for throwing me a beautiful shower and for truly understanding what my baby shower meant to me. You know me well you were very generous. I loved everything about it!

To my wonderful Aaron: Thank you. I love you for your kind heart, and quick mind, and beautiful soul. I love you for being such a strong and dependable partner, I love you for the dedicated and loving father I know you'll be. I love you for loving me and the boys and I'm blessed to be starting the family I've been thinking of and praying for my whole life- WITH YOU!

Oh, and I love you because you're handsome. ;)

Daddio and Uncle Ratzo, I love you. I'm so glad you came to the shower. Daddy, I can't wait for you to hold your grandsons.

I can't believe I'm having twin boys. I am constantly thinking of all the crazy stories I've heard of these two growing up and I can't help but be filled with joy...and fear at the same time. :)

My favorite Aunt and Uncle...

My beautiful little sister. I'm overwhelmed with emotion as I reflect on how much I love you. I'd do anything to protect you and keep you happy. I've always been quite fond of you, very proud of you, and absolutely in love with you and I'm so happy that our bond has stayed strong and continued to grow. I'm HONORED at the thought of my sons having a bond like ours.

Oh, and the boys told me they plan on pooping on you as a get back for biting them.

Love you, Nicole and Allie. Thank you for your advice- after seeing sweet Georgie and Tristan grow, I'm confident I'll hit you up for more.

Thank you for the Bumbos, Tabi and DeAnna!

It was great to see old friends!

Every party needs at least one game, right?

Aaron and I love every gift we opened! We're keeping everything. I know I sort of panicked mid opening, so thank you to everyone as I had a moment.

Yummy Yummy. These doughnuts were made special to match the shower colors.

Brunch was perfect.

The whole day was perfect.

This pregnancy has been so wonderful and exciting. I can't believe it's almost time to introduce my little kickers to the world. They're so loved already.

Love,

Jessica

My Mantra: Huge belly= healthy boys

2011-11-29T11:12:00.000-08:00

So above is a shot at just 21 weeks.

And here's one at 22 weeks! (My first real Maternity shirt! I'm still somehow managing to squeeze into my regular work pants- although I think I've stretched them to the max).

Above is another headless wonder at 23 weeks. I LOOOVE the baby belly.

BAM!!! Here's a scary one: me at 29 weeks! I've got six pounds of baby and lots of love in there! We are so thankful for the boys' health and I know that sporting a huge tummy and experiencing body pains daily means happy big boys and it's sooooo worth it.

Love,

Jessica

Yummy Recipe

2011-11-16T14:28:00.000-08:00

Each day I make a list of what I need to accomplish. It's something I've done for quite some time, but lately I do it
1. Because I have 1,000,000 things to do
2. Because I forget if I don't write it down

One day, I'll return to my normal self and get caught up. For now, I'm trying to just enjoy napping instead of doing my chores... Anyway- I fully intend to post a blog with pics from my Shower photos and growing tummy this week. For now though, I wanted to steal a page from Nicole's blog. Attendees of the shower were asking for the recipe of a breakfast dish she prepared, so click http://www.somethingcreativebynicole.blogspot.com/ to view.
Yummy.

Okay, I have to run. My boys want me to rest and I'm going to oblige. I am 28 weeks, by the way, and feeling great. And my babies couldn't be any better! =)
They are so loved...

Love,
Jessica

Priceless

2011-11-13T04:38:00.000-08:00

After flipping off all the covers, stealing all the pillows, kicking blindly , needing to pee 10 times while using his head as a means to assist my getting up , and re-positioning every 60 seconds-- Aaron's 4am comment:
"I'm never dating another pregnant lady."
Lol.
Love,
Jessica

We're still here!!!

2011-10-26T12:20:00.001-07:00

The past four weeks have been wild and have really flown by... I'll update pictures and thoughts of the last month as soon as I can. It's been sooooo busy and such a great month. We moved, our babies are healthy and I LOVE feeling them kick me, I look and feel fabulous, my friends hosted the most amazing baby shower in the world, Aaron's parents are in town for a week, and I'm taking the week off to relax and rejuvinate...

I have to go feed the boys now. I promise to come back soon as soon as Aaron and I set up our internet...

Love,
Jessica

Montana

2011-09-26T21:15:00.000-07:00

Olive has an obsession with scaring her auntie...

And I wish I could hold Monday all the time- she's so soft and sweet...

Whit and Monday...

And Olive!

I love my nieces. They are so beautiful and I'm so glad we could go see them. Monday is nicknamed, "Cheese," because she's always so happy and she has a precious little giggle. She's a very good girl who just likes to hang out with you and laugh. She's amazing. And Olive is incredible- every word out of her mouth melts me. She loved lifting my shirt to touch my,"Baby Belly," and explain how her boys would come out of my belly button. It's impossible to not love eveything about her.

They crack me up and warm my heart.

Can't wait for them to meet their new cousins!

Love,

Jessica

Two Together

2011-09-18T20:43:00.000-07:00

I've always loved Willow Tree Angels: the way the slightest tilt of the head or hand placement can take the place of facial features and represent such beautiful sentiments or emotions. This little keepsake box was a gift from my Dad and Amy entitled, "Two Together," and I love it. (My favorite part is the two peas in a pod carving on the front of the box).

Today Aaron got me my first pair of Maternity Pants. I feel really silly pulling on jeans with no button or zipper but I'm in some serious need of some comfort and my old jeans and a belly band isn't cutting it. I'm very excited to get some more to show off my beautiful growing body.

Let's see...what else... this morning I stood on my tippy toes to put away some dishes while leaning over the skillet of cooking breakfast and nearly scalded my belly off because I am not used to it being able to sit on the counter... Also, my sister and I are going to Montana for the week and we're very excited to see Justin and Whitney and our nieces...

That's it for today.
I love my boys!

Love,
Jessica

19 week checkup

2011-09-16T08:55:00.001-07:00

Aren't my babies sweet? We've named them already but have decided to keep it secret for now. So preserve the surprise, I'll continue with A or B. Baby A is now getting kicked in the face constantly as the boys grow. He's 9 oz and everything about him looks beautiful. Baby B has now grown to 10 oz and looks amazing too. (And he doesn't mean to kick his brother, they are just getting a little tighter in there). They are both right on track in size and development and we're very thankful for that.

So, everything looks great so far! I'm trying so hard to take the best care of them. I hardly mind the vomit. Or the back aches. Or the lack of appetite but the constant need to shove my face with water and healthy foods. Or the forgetfulness. Or the fact that I couln't pull my pants over my thighs yesterday. (What's up with that?!?!?) Or the stress of finding a new home and filling it with everything the babies need...

:) Actually, I really am too happy to mind...

Love,

Jessica

I'm 19 weeks pregnant and...

2011-09-13T18:33:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy.
And I think my boys are so happy too!

Love,
Jessica

18 weeks

2011-09-10T22:19:00.000-07:00

The top photo was taken a few weeks ago at The Cheesecake Factory after Aaron told our server we were expecting identical twin boys. The bottom was taken today before work: 18 weeks and 6 days. My current favorite thing is how proud Aaron is to tell anyone who will listen exactly how far along I am with his babies.

Love,

Jessica

17 weeks

2011-09-07T23:20:00.000-07:00

About 1/2 a pound each and moving around like crazy. I haven't felt a definite kick but I feel movement. The other night it actually scared me a little bit because I couldn't identify what I was feeling, but it woke me every hour. Now I know my little men were partying in my uterus.
Physically I:
*switched to flats at work which is a huge revelation for me
*have to pee every 15 minutes
*only get sick about once every few days (Thank you, God!)
*wear my belly band proudly because there is no way my pants come close to buttoning
*have gained 15 pounds!
*don't have signs of stretch marks yet but my belly sure feels tight
*can eat chicken now but the boys still don't appreciate red meat
*have a hand permanently on my tummy feeling my babies

Aaron and I are so excited and so relieved to know my body is doing exactly what it should be to keep our babies safe and the boys are doing so well!

Love,
Jessica

16 weeks

2011-09-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

I really exploded by month four. This week I started to feel a little more energetic, a little less sick, a lot bigger, and much more excited. This week also confirmed that the babies are boys. (I must admit that I wasn't surprised when given this news- I had been referring to them as "the boys" for the past few weeks. Because the boys are identical, I've been blessed to have weekly ultrasounds. It's so nice to spend time seeing them each week. At this week's ulrasound, I think I saw some of the boys' personalities and I wonder how closely it will match who they become. Baby A is a little stinker- he's very active and LOVES to kick me and his brother. He hardly stood still for a picture. (Except to spread his legs and let us know he definitely a boy). Baby B is a little more mellow but he fights back when kicked. When the tech pushed hard on my belly, he felt it and raised his beautiful hand and poked back. Aaron and I were happy beyond words because both boys are doing really really well and growing wonderfully inside me.

Love,

Jessica

Meet the babies at 15 weeks:

2011-09-07T23:07:00.001-07:00

I love them.

Love,

Jessica

13 weeks

2011-09-04T21:30:00.001-07:00

At 13 weeks, I was sicker than ever but so excited that my tummy was really starting to grow. About this time, Aaron become Papa Protection over me and his babies..

Love,

Jessica

TWINS!!!

2011-09-03T18:59:00.000-07:00

After about a month of silence, we were ready to share with the world that we were expecting. We went through every emotion possible together, but in the end knew without doubt that we were ready and completely thrilled to have a baby. At 12 weeks, after Dr. Aaron finally decided on an OB for me, we went to our first ultrasound. I had made comments about thinking it was a boy, and a few jokes about how it could be twins. As we made our way to the room where we would see our baby, Aaron made a joke about hoping it was twins. (The tech definitely thought he was crazy). We were so excited to see our baby- I layed back, with my tummy lubed and my hand clutched in Aaron's and BAM!!! The beautiful image of what was obviously two babies popped up on the screen. I couldn't speak and collapsed in tears of joy until Aaron brought me back with a kiss and said, "Thank you, Jessica." We were given several minutes before resuming with the ultrasound of Baby A and Baby B. I love the picture that the tech, Sue Ann, took of us because of how happy Aaron looks. ;)

So two becomes FOUR!!!

Love,

Jessica

Growing Life

2011-09-03T18:36:00.001-07:00

I snapped this at 9 weeks. This was about the time I allowed myself to believe there really was life inside me. Just days after taking the tests, I felt my body confirming that something was going on. I was exhausted in a way I've never been, and the morning sickness spared me no mercy. Obviously, the babies were not big enough to show, but I had a bloating that didn't go away. (See above). Oh, and my heart felt joy I've never experienced.

Love,

Jessica

Father's Day 2011

2011-09-03T18:25:00.001-07:00

Although I thought Aaron was nuts, I humored him when he requested I take a pregnancy test on Father's Day. After a slightly blurred positive sign showed, I had Aaron go to the store for another brand. After the clear and bright double lines appeared, he got on his knees and kissed my tummy while I stood in surprise trying to let the best news of my life sink in. I had thought about my future family my whole life and discovering that it was truly happening was absolutely gorgeous, fulfilling, and scary at the same time...

Love,
Jessica

From the beginning...

2011-09-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm almost 18 beautiful weeks along with my baby boys growing happily inside me. I found this picture today in my phone- I sent it to Aaron on June 12 with the caption, "I feel sick." I remember the day well: I just felt tired and sick and different but I honestly had no idea I had life growing inside me! It took us a couple more weeks to discover we were pregnant, but I think this picture is worth noting because my little huckleberries had been forming for a month and our lives were changing and we had no idea...

Love,

Jessica