I am

I am worried.  Nervous.  Anxious.  Panicked.  Terrified.   Petrified.

I wanted children my whole life.  For as long as I can remember, I knew I wanted to be a Mommy and I knew that would always be enough for me.  And it is, it really is.  But I had no idea how scary it is!  Let me be very clear: it is more GOOD than scary, MUCH more good, but I am burdened with other emotions too.

I've said it before but the first couple months were difficult emotionally for me.  But I haven't said why.  I was scared of SIDS.  I can admit that now but it's been 19 months and I haven't really been able to verbalize that I was afraid they would pass away and I would be unable to stop it.  Don't think I'm a dark person here- partnered with some postpartum blues and and overwhelming love for my twins as well as some stone cold SIDS statistics, I was just scared.  The kind of scared that made it impossible to sleep or to be away from them for any longer than it took to take a shower.  It's gotten better now but I have new fears.

Like keeping them safe from sickos and perverts who would want to hurt them.  The thought of being unable to protect them is so deeply painful that I can't bear it.  It's got me so scared that I fear I've been TOO protective of them.  I'm not trying to be hard on myself- it's such an honor to raise my children and they are just so wonderful that I want to do a good job for them.  And I feel suddenly like I've skipped opportunities to let them play at baby gym or enjoy story time at a library with new people.  I feel guilty for that so I have decided to make some changes.  For them.  I don't regret my decisions thus far- I just want to make sure that I provide the boys with EVERYTHING they need to become happy, well rounded people.

After a couple dear friends gave some fun and encouraging tips I have done some research and I am looking forward to taking the boys to a few fun classes.  :)  I will take a chill pill and let my boys explore and grow in a fun and loving environment while maintaining my promise to keep them safe.  I know they will be better for it.  And I think we are all going to really like it.

So I admit to being petrified.  But I've been given the gift of...what are the most powerful words I could use to describe this unparalleled love?
Ah yes:
I've been given the gift of William and Mason.

So, I'm not ashamed of being afraid.  They are the most precious human beings in the world and my world is entirely about them.

I am... completely enchanted.

Love,
Jessica