The Truth

You want the truth?
I'm a wreck a lot of the time.  I'm really trying but if I don't relax soon, I think I'm going to explode.  Literally.
Before delivery, Aaron and I talked about postpartum blues.  I thought the possibility of me feeling anything but happy was ridiculous.  Pregnancy was a blast and the we both have never been more excited about anything than we were for the boys to come.
But I'm so in love that I'm having difficulty containing it.  I feared going to sleep and would stay up all night shining the light on the boys to make sure they were okay and absolutely panicking over every sound I heard from them, trying to determine what it meant.  The days were filled with tears as I worried over doing the right things for our kids.  Not to mention I missed holding the boys inside me so much that it actually physically hurt.  I missed the security of knowing they were safe- I missed Aaron's hands on my tummy...  Aaron and I now have the most precious, most irreplaceable gifts possible so the fears and worries are overwhelming.  Also, my love for my family has made me analyze my life closer.  I find myself in a fit of tears thinking over mean things I may have said to Aaron over the years and feeling guilt like no other when I realize how AMAZING he is and how happy I am that we are doing this together.  He's so reassuring and supportive and has wonderful fatherly instincts.  I've also been thinking about my mother and how good she is to me.  I was on bed rest for three weeks and she came over everyday to feed me and do my chores and I don't think I showed how grateful I am for her. 
I love these boys.  I don't want to be a nervous Mommy.   I don't want to be an emotional basket case.  I just want them to be happy and healthy and relaxed and it's so scary to know that this depends on me.  And I can't bear the thought of them suffering in any way.  This week, Aaron returned to work for two days a week- back to full time in nine days.  Yesterday was my first day alone with the babies.  I am comfortable and confident and scared and clueless at the same time.   I think I feel every emotion twice as much thanks to my double blessing.
I feel a little better each day.  I'm really tying to just trust myself and show these boys how much I love them. 

Love,
Jessica

P.S.  It's been 16 days and I have finally slowed down enough to understand I just had surgery.  Ouch...